If I Only Had a Brain
by Tali-Sarah
Summary: 2004 Movie Based. The hand that holds the candle...I may have accidentally hit her over the head with my candelabra. Hard, really hard, it’s not like it was my fault.
1. Chapter 1

My first thought had to be "geez, my arm is sore". But I suppose that's not at all surprising when you're forced to hold a candelabra in the same position waiting for your cue.

When I was approached by the strange man in the opera suit and mask and asked if I wanted to take part in an all new performance at the Opera Populaire this is not what I had in mind. Beggars can't be choosers though and when you're a severed arm, the job opportunities are exactly knocking down your door.

So I took the job. Who knew I was going to be witness to probably one of the biggest nutters to ever grace the stage in France, and I am not talking about the Phantom either.

Christine Daae. First stop at insane-o-ville.

To be fair she was a pretty girl, not that I could see because I am of course a severed arm. I just got that vibe. One tends to get the idea that the lunatic in the basement doesn't stage an entire production through the 'secret' and I use that term loosely, passages for an ugly chick.

I was later told by the severed head to my right that she didn't blink once which was a little strange. Although he may have been making things up, being bitter about no screen time and all. It was what happened next that disturbed me the most, and we have to remember that as a severed arm not much manages to disturb me.

I may have accidentally hit her over the head with my candelabra. Hard, really hard, it's not like it was my fault. I'm an arm! How can I be held responsible when the only directions I had been given was to wave the thing around when the organ music started?

Like the little trooper that she is though she kept on staring off into the distance like a dead bird, stuffed and mounted. Actually, that was a bad choice of words. I don't think anything was getting mounted until they arrived at the lair and from what I heard through the grape vine (that barrel monkey is such a gossip) the night was a complete disappointment.

I wonder if I can put this candelabra down yet?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters of Phantom of the Opera. Suing would be an extreme waste of time, I'm thankfully back to my student status where I get the cheaper public transport and movie tickets but that's about all. Feel free to fight with my educational institute about money as they will be the only ones getting it from me.


	2. Chapter 2

Part II

This is a dead end job.

I suppose I should be grateful that I'm getting a pay cheque as it is. Apparently the arm to my left is here on a volunteer basis, just to get out of the house, and isn't receiving any benefits.

At least I was able to put down the candelabra after a while. The gold paint is a little harder to get rid of though. I'm trying to think of it as a tan, that golden hue that humanity will strive for in a hundred years or so. Until then I'll just bide my time being ahead of my time, a social revolutionary. That sounds important right?

Things have been quiet around here lately. According to the barrel monkey, the guy with the mask and the chick with the eye problems had a bit of a disagreement. So no more midnight hallucinations with organ music and severed body parts with a tan, waving flammable objects in circles without any occupational health and safety supervision.

Oh well.

What was I expecting anyway? Mother always said that I had no future in the arts. It is of course very hard to remember mother when I'm just an arm, but I get the distinct feeling that I didn't like her very much.

I can hear something! Well, I can't hear anything but you get the general idea. Music, growling, soprano, more growling. Yay, someone's coming.

How rude! Erik and Christine (the monkey disclosed names) walked straight past and didn't acknowledge any of us. Okay, so it may have been more of a case of him dragging her along the corridors but they could have stopped and said hi. It's common decency after all.

Silence.

Hey, who's the guy with the ponytail, and why is he touching me like that?


	3. Chapter 3

Part III

Why is he still touching me? It's been ten minutes now and this is getting creepy. I haven't had anything like this happen to me since the disaster that was the office Christmas party circa 1845 and even then I was attached to a body.

I'm starting to regret putting down that candelabra. At least I could get in a few good swings if I still had it within reach.

Oh look, he moved.

Oh look, he stopped again.

This is getting boring.

Hey, he's running now. He really has some glossy hair there, all nicely done up in a ponytail with the right amount of 'I've been fighting something scary meets rolling in the hay'.

That phantom guy also has nice hair but in a different way. He spends a lot of time in front of the mirror though. He tells the ballet woman with the big stick that it's because he's ugly and is wallowing in his wretched existence. I know it's because he's checking for fly-aways with a spray bottle of pantene pro-v leave in conditioner within reach just in case.

What was I talking about? Oh yes.

Hey look, a mob with pitchforks and torches. How fun.

Do you think that at the end of all of this I'll be employed? I really don't want to have to go and collect unemployment benefits, I don't have a leg to stand on.

Haha. Why is no one laughing? That severed head is eyeballing me. Well Mr Hilarious you come up with a better joke then. I personally like playing on the limbless factor. Hmph.


	4. Chapter 4

Part IV

So you'll never guess what I heard! Over coffee and croissants this morning with the barrel monkey (something that I have to say I didn't appreciate having n o mouth, but I fiddled with my plate anyway) he revealed all.

Apparently everyone ended up in the Phantom guy's lair, uninvited and completely without a little plate of something or a bottle of wine. This was of great regret to the mob with torches, due to the extensive trek down all those stairs while carrying various weapons.

The guy who was touching me (as inappropriately as you can touch a severed arm) ended up tied to the garage door for a while. To his credit he still managed to belt out a tune while slowly choking to death, the monkey was rather impressed by this.

Most of the people Erik choked just died grasping for breath apparently.

I was kind of disappointed to hear that after all the hard work and carefully planned kidnapping the masked guy went to, he didn't end with the girl. Even if she was a tad dull.

But in the end while he had that growly thing down pat with his voice (something the severed head was rather fond of), there was the case of his face. Rather unfortunate looking on one side that left him convinced it was the sole reason no one would ever love him.

After hearing the whole story I'm inclined to lean towards the 'you're slightly psycho and kill people and no one would sleep next to you without a knife under the pillow' theory. Then again, I don't have eyes and maybe his face is that bad.

I guess I'll never know.

He at least got a kiss from the vague one who actually managed to stir some personality up towards the end. She ended up going home with the chokee though and they could be heard singing their love songs until the boat they acquired in a rather dodgy transaction through song capsized drenching them both.

This is the part of the story where the monkey got rather miffed actually. Turns out Erik continued to throw his tanty for a while, smashing everything breakable (including that ugly dolphin figurine Mme Giry had given him for Christmas one year) and then went for the mirrors.

It took him a few goes to find the right one with the secret passage behind it and then he buggered off.

When the mob arrived the monkey was left to entertain the guests with nothing decent in the house.

Really, how rude!

AN: The last part had an awful lot of full stops, sorry about that. So it's been a while and I've really struggled with this one so I hope it's not too much of a disappointment and at least someone finds it vaguely amusing. The first parts flowed and this had to be pushed off the edge of a cliff kicking and screaming.

Thanks so much for all the positive reviews.


End file.
